Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.