shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw