shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *