shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Oh, I bet you would be
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower