shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
fourth time’s the charm
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”