Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

I’m being attacked 😭

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?