Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.