Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
found my next D&D character name
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees