Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

It be like that sometimes 😆

I hate my earbuds.

#oldknees

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.