“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.