Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder