“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.