*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread