Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis