*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I missed you with all my darts
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.