Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

🙄