Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

😂

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.