*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
oh my gosh!!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.