Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How wrong was this guy?

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

These dogs look like they have good credit.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong