Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.