Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.