Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.