Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Dietest Coke

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants