Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry