Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

How to draw a duck

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

This is my pinned tweet

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.