shut up and take my money
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
starting a garage orchestra
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.