shut up and take my money
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My circle of trust is a meatball
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.