SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
And that about sums it up.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
It’s his time
