SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
A woman drives into a bar.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful