Shut up brain I wasn’t even talking to me.
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The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
excuse me
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.