Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
You Might Also Like
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Do not go gentle into that good night,
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?