Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.