Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.