Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.