Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Breaking news:
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon