Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did