@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

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@WenzlerPowers

Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@fusedude

Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.

@veronaway2

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

@sarabellab123

My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.