Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

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Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.


A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets


Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.


I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.


[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.


My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.