Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients