*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.