Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.