Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
it must be school picture day
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Hitlers gonna hitl
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”