Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Money is the root of all wealth

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Liquor Store Parking

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.