Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

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[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*


As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.


me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*


I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.


me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?


If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?


A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.


Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….


Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb