Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Practicing safe sax
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.