@CaelaCarter

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

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@akerfoot

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@BlindChow

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@CrazyUncIeJoe

How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.