Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!