Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

technically true but not a great slogan

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care