Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
White parent Vs Arab parents
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
well this is just bullshirt
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors