Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE