Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You Might Also Like
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Practicing safe sax
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.