Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My favorite farside!!

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.