Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

u guys got any snacks onboard here

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.