Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time