Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.