Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts