Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Hoping to spice up my evening

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

guilty

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.