Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Jupiter

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Copy Editor is a rewording career.