sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Who did it better?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*