Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”