Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
🙀🙀🙀😹
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me :
All Day At Night
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old