sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend