SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise