SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

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I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means


“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.


brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys


God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.


Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?


This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”