I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Florida be like…
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.