SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats