Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves