Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

This is a bad sign

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.