sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Smooooooth
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.