sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
This week’s mood.