Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

How I’d get arrested…

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.