Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.