Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
You Might Also Like
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me irl
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
liiiiiiiiike
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there