Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night