Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…