Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.