Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
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If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Hmm, not sure about this change
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.