Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing